Frances Scott came into my life when I was around 6 years old. Actually, she was my mom’s new boyfriend, Lawrence’s, mother and I’m pretty sure I liked her more than I liked him. She was cool. Everywhere she went she had a bag full of...stuff. Cameras, a thermos, cookies, a mars bar for the dog...for me at the time, it was like her whole life was in that bag. It was always exciting to see what she was going to pull out next. My grandmother by love.
She was very nice to my sister and I – when we went over to her house we played teacher in one of the bedrooms. She had an easel and lots of left over teaching supplies from when she had taught – again, so cool! She made us tea. And let us help her bake. She made these amazing cakes – they had money in them! I had never heard of such a thing! Those were the best, even if I did get the button. And I loved her yummy shortbread. My grandmother by love.
She was always taking pictures – always, always taking pictures. Every birthday, every family event, every chance she got – she posed and smiled with loved ones. She never did upgrade to a digital camera but why should she have? She got along great with film. And she developed all of her film. She has SO many pictures and she wrote on the backs of all of them. I’m so glad she did – because now we can remember. My grandmother by love.
Cards. She wrote us cards for EVERY occasion. Birthdays, Christmas – one before and one for the day of, Easter, Valentine’s Day, Get Well cards, Graduation cards – from middle school AND high school. 54 cards. I’ve kept them all. I’m sure there are a few missing out of this pile but for what, 18 years? That’s a lot of cards. As I was looking through them she reminded me of things we’ve shared...
1) August 31st, 1996 – birthday card, September 7, 1996 – the cottage - "my littler mermaid..."
2) December 24th, 1997 – a polaroid of Chantel’s Afghan
3) Christmas, 2000 – Sunday October 8th, her birthday “Thank you for making my very special day even more special by you being there”
4) Christmas 2002 – “Congratulations on passing your driving test. So I bought you your own keychain.”
5) January 2004 – “Dear Chantel, I am so proud of you! You returned to high school to improve your marks. The future is very bright for you Chantel. Enjoy every day!”
6) September 7, 2006 – a birthday card with a note “I hope to see you soon. My prayers are with you every night.”
She always spelled my name the French way, with an accent on the e and she always signed the cards, “Grandmother by love.” I never really understood what that meant until Katy was born, I just thought she was Mrs. Scott...
I am also so thankful for having this wonderful man, Lawrence in my life. She raised a kind, loving, caring & patient soul. And she will be remembered through him, always.
Over the years Frances Scott has taught me many things about laughter, money cakes, cameras, family, and what a picture is really worth...but most of all...she has shown me unconditional love by being my grandmother.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Recognizing Her
The days, weeks, minutes, seconds, intertwined. The thoughts were continuous and overwhelming. Everyday had a pattern to it. Some moments were always the same. 11:11 - the clock always seemed to be there at that exact moment. She knew, or thought she knew, the answer to the "Why?"
Questions she had been asking her whole life, now had answers. She didn't find them from just anywhere, oh no, it wasn't that easy. Her past was her future and her future was her past. If nothing changed, she knew she wasn't going to get through her life the way things were. If she knew the answers, then she knew how to fix the problems. But the problems weren't fixable. Not yet.
The weight of her past forced her down, she almost couldn't breathe. She clawed at the earth hoping that someone would be there to help. There was someone there, she just didn't realize it. She'd been so wrapped up in her inconsolable heart ache, she didn't recognize who it was, but someone was there, oh yes, she was far from being alone.
The jumbled thoughts raced through her mind, with a permanent hold on the "Go" button.
It wasn't time yet. But she wasn't alone. She had herself.
Questions she had been asking her whole life, now had answers. She didn't find them from just anywhere, oh no, it wasn't that easy. Her past was her future and her future was her past. If nothing changed, she knew she wasn't going to get through her life the way things were. If she knew the answers, then she knew how to fix the problems. But the problems weren't fixable. Not yet.
The weight of her past forced her down, she almost couldn't breathe. She clawed at the earth hoping that someone would be there to help. There was someone there, she just didn't realize it. She'd been so wrapped up in her inconsolable heart ache, she didn't recognize who it was, but someone was there, oh yes, she was far from being alone.
The jumbled thoughts raced through her mind, with a permanent hold on the "Go" button.
It wasn't time yet. But she wasn't alone. She had herself.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The Walk
Around midnight. I was sitting there. Talking. I don't really remember what I was saying. Something about October. October isn't a good month, I said. Tears rolling down my face. He was smiling. He said, yes it is. How could he say that. How could he think that.
I opened the door, got out and walked down the steps. I sat on the grass, hoping he would follow. I heard the sound of his engine. Then I saw him drive away. What just happened. I think he did what he should have done a long time ago, he saved himself rather than me. Good decision.
More sadness. Anger. And then determination. He was not going to leave me. It was not going to end like that. It wasn't on my terms.
So I started to walk...
Step. Hurt. Step. Why. Step. No. Step. Love. Step. Him. Step. Us. Step. Me.
My keys in one pocket. My phone in the other. It was blurry. But I was walking. Step. Memories. We laughed, we cried. Step. He was mad. He wanted me to turn around. What are you trying to prove, he wrote. That you still love me, I thought. I hate this, he said. I hate you, he said. I was walking but he wasn't coming to save me. He let me walk. What was I babbling on about. Step. Feet. Step. Sore.
Almost there. Shoes off. Bare feet. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Grass.
His street. I turned. I saw him. Waiting. I threw my shoes. Sat on the grass. Aren't you a little happy that I walked here, I said. (He said he shaved, he lied. Stupid beard.) I don't want to do this, he said. I hate you, he said. Look in my eyes and say it, I said. I hate you, he said, smiling. Then why are you smiling when you say it, I said. Because I don't, he said. I was tired. My feet all blistered and dirty. I don't hate him. I hate this too.
Back in his truck. He was talking. I was almost unconscious. I don't remember. What was he saying. I asked him to take me home. Did I just crush you, I think he said. What was my reply. Not certain. I asked him again to take me home. More tired. Drained. Surrendered. I think I just gave up.
We pulled into the driveway. He got out. I was thinking I was going to say sorry. He said it first. I was sorry. I am sorry. We hugged. Letting go meant more than just from the hug. We kissed. Goodbye.
Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. I didn't turn around. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
I walked in the house, and closed the door.
I opened the door, got out and walked down the steps. I sat on the grass, hoping he would follow. I heard the sound of his engine. Then I saw him drive away. What just happened. I think he did what he should have done a long time ago, he saved himself rather than me. Good decision.
More sadness. Anger. And then determination. He was not going to leave me. It was not going to end like that. It wasn't on my terms.
So I started to walk...
Step. Hurt. Step. Why. Step. No. Step. Love. Step. Him. Step. Us. Step. Me.
My keys in one pocket. My phone in the other. It was blurry. But I was walking. Step. Memories. We laughed, we cried. Step. He was mad. He wanted me to turn around. What are you trying to prove, he wrote. That you still love me, I thought. I hate this, he said. I hate you, he said. I was walking but he wasn't coming to save me. He let me walk. What was I babbling on about. Step. Feet. Step. Sore.
Almost there. Shoes off. Bare feet. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Grass.
His street. I turned. I saw him. Waiting. I threw my shoes. Sat on the grass. Aren't you a little happy that I walked here, I said. (He said he shaved, he lied. Stupid beard.) I don't want to do this, he said. I hate you, he said. Look in my eyes and say it, I said. I hate you, he said, smiling. Then why are you smiling when you say it, I said. Because I don't, he said. I was tired. My feet all blistered and dirty. I don't hate him. I hate this too.
Back in his truck. He was talking. I was almost unconscious. I don't remember. What was he saying. I asked him to take me home. Did I just crush you, I think he said. What was my reply. Not certain. I asked him again to take me home. More tired. Drained. Surrendered. I think I just gave up.
We pulled into the driveway. He got out. I was thinking I was going to say sorry. He said it first. I was sorry. I am sorry. We hugged. Letting go meant more than just from the hug. We kissed. Goodbye.
Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. I didn't turn around. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
I walked in the house, and closed the door.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I feel like writing...
It's not supposed to be this way, yah know?
It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Being back in Georgetown and living at home and being single. It always ends up like this. No matter where I go or what I'm doing, I end up back at home and single. And yes that's my fault. I know it is. But it's still hard. So hard.
I just met with a psychiatrist - and I'm not ashamed to say that or for people to know that - and EVERYTHING came up. I mean, I understand everything happening in my life the way it has, but when if I say it out loud, when I say in order, when I think of the life Ive been living up to now - it makes all of it that much more real.
Everything starts making sense. And then I start questioning myself and my motives and THE PAST. I'm not supposed to think about the past. I'm not supposed to care about the past, or put any effort into analyzing it. How can I not, though? Some of it feels like it happened forever ago, and some of it feels like it just happened yesterday. Some of it actually doesn't feel like it's my life at all. Some of it seems so unreal. Like, how could I have been that idiotically stupid? What the freak gave me the right to say those things or act that way and be that devestatiling destructive? Jeez. I'm just an average person. But my past makes it seem incredibly non-average.
I thought I was beginning to understand myself, find myself, know myself. But - I don't think so now. I think I'm just as lost as before, but there is a difference. I'm not freaking out about it. I'm not thinking it's the end of the world. I'm lettting it go because one day it won't be so confusing anymore. One day I'll understand it and know that it's real because it feels real.
I know my life story isn't over yet (but for being so young it's certainly filled with some crazy things) - I have many more adventures to come. Still, it's uncomfortable and frustrating knowing where I should be right now. It's September 2008. It's fall. I can smell it. I can feel it. I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Where I should be. Yes - I had to get back on track with life, but I shouldn't have been that stupid and irresponsible to let it get to that point. I should have never been off track with life.
If this is who I am and who I will be then there will be a way. Life will find out a way to get me there. Where I'm supposed to be.
It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Being back in Georgetown and living at home and being single. It always ends up like this. No matter where I go or what I'm doing, I end up back at home and single. And yes that's my fault. I know it is. But it's still hard. So hard.
I just met with a psychiatrist - and I'm not ashamed to say that or for people to know that - and EVERYTHING came up. I mean, I understand everything happening in my life the way it has, but when if I say it out loud, when I say in order, when I think of the life Ive been living up to now - it makes all of it that much more real.
Everything starts making sense. And then I start questioning myself and my motives and THE PAST. I'm not supposed to think about the past. I'm not supposed to care about the past, or put any effort into analyzing it. How can I not, though? Some of it feels like it happened forever ago, and some of it feels like it just happened yesterday. Some of it actually doesn't feel like it's my life at all. Some of it seems so unreal. Like, how could I have been that idiotically stupid? What the freak gave me the right to say those things or act that way and be that devestatiling destructive? Jeez. I'm just an average person. But my past makes it seem incredibly non-average.
I thought I was beginning to understand myself, find myself, know myself. But - I don't think so now. I think I'm just as lost as before, but there is a difference. I'm not freaking out about it. I'm not thinking it's the end of the world. I'm lettting it go because one day it won't be so confusing anymore. One day I'll understand it and know that it's real because it feels real.
I know my life story isn't over yet (but for being so young it's certainly filled with some crazy things) - I have many more adventures to come. Still, it's uncomfortable and frustrating knowing where I should be right now. It's September 2008. It's fall. I can smell it. I can feel it. I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Where I should be. Yes - I had to get back on track with life, but I shouldn't have been that stupid and irresponsible to let it get to that point. I should have never been off track with life.
If this is who I am and who I will be then there will be a way. Life will find out a way to get me there. Where I'm supposed to be.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
The End
After a little over 2 years of having this blog I've made decision....
I'm ending it.
For the past two years I think I've needed this place to express my feelings and to share, but I don't need it anymore. I guess I've grown up a little. As comforting as it is to know people are listening or reading or whatever...I think I'm satisfied with myself without needing approval from others. And yes, approval is always nice but I don't NEED it. Understand?
I'm ok with just being me and not having to include the whole world in on what's going on in my life.
I shall keep this blog site just so I can go back to it but I will not be posting anymore.
Here's to a fresh start....
Cheers!
Chantel Yvonne Whitter
I'm ending it.
For the past two years I think I've needed this place to express my feelings and to share, but I don't need it anymore. I guess I've grown up a little. As comforting as it is to know people are listening or reading or whatever...I think I'm satisfied with myself without needing approval from others. And yes, approval is always nice but I don't NEED it. Understand?
I'm ok with just being me and not having to include the whole world in on what's going on in my life.
I shall keep this blog site just so I can go back to it but I will not be posting anymore.
Here's to a fresh start....
Cheers!
Chantel Yvonne Whitter
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
2 Years!
It's officially 2 years since I started this blog! (I think this is one of my longest committed realtionships ever!)
Thanks to all you readers! And here's to many more "posts" to come!
Love you all!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
C
Thanks to all you readers! And here's to many more "posts" to come!
Love you all!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
C
Friday, June 20, 2008
Resisting The Urge
What is it with patience and me not having any? Does anyone else find that?
In certain circumstances I can have TONS of patience but in others - nothing. None at all. It's quite pathetic really.
Patience is worth it. Because in the end, you know you're going to get an answer or there'll be a conclusion to your saga or something. Good or bad, there will be an end to the having of patience.
I'm a "pusher" - I'm used to being in control and pushing boundaries - not with just certain people - everyone. That's just the kind of person I am and have always been. Maybe it's a twin thing - are all twins controlling? I'd guess so. You'd always compete with each other so eventually you'd have to do something to make yourself be seen or heard. ANYWAYS - me being controlling. That's been me forever. But me now, doesn't want to be like that. I haven't been like that (well - trying my hardest.) It's weird and odd and I really don't like the feeling. Having the ball in someone else's court doesn't really fly too well with me.
Time - time and patience kinda go together, don't they? I mean time=patience, really. The more time someone has, the more patient they get or is it the other way around - the more patient you get, the more time you have? Interesting concept.
But what if time is the enemy? - huh. Time is our enemy! We never have enough of it. That aside though, time is quite a scary thing. What if time isn't enough? What if something else is needed - like, space? Well then that gets a little bit harder.
Patience. Time. Space.
It would drive anyone crazy - well anyone who loves being in control and has to stop!
And I'm not stopping just to stop. I'm stopping because it's probably the most healthy thing for me right now. Who the freak wants to be in control ALL THE TIME!? Not me. It gets quite boring and old.
Change your frame of mind, which then alters everything else about you.
Great - did you see what I just did? Patience. Time. Space. Change.
I'm going to stop before I say anything else.
In certain circumstances I can have TONS of patience but in others - nothing. None at all. It's quite pathetic really.
Patience is worth it. Because in the end, you know you're going to get an answer or there'll be a conclusion to your saga or something. Good or bad, there will be an end to the having of patience.
I'm a "pusher" - I'm used to being in control and pushing boundaries - not with just certain people - everyone. That's just the kind of person I am and have always been. Maybe it's a twin thing - are all twins controlling? I'd guess so. You'd always compete with each other so eventually you'd have to do something to make yourself be seen or heard. ANYWAYS - me being controlling. That's been me forever. But me now, doesn't want to be like that. I haven't been like that (well - trying my hardest.) It's weird and odd and I really don't like the feeling. Having the ball in someone else's court doesn't really fly too well with me.
Time - time and patience kinda go together, don't they? I mean time=patience, really. The more time someone has, the more patient they get or is it the other way around - the more patient you get, the more time you have? Interesting concept.
But what if time is the enemy? - huh. Time is our enemy! We never have enough of it. That aside though, time is quite a scary thing. What if time isn't enough? What if something else is needed - like, space? Well then that gets a little bit harder.
Patience. Time. Space.
It would drive anyone crazy - well anyone who loves being in control and has to stop!
And I'm not stopping just to stop. I'm stopping because it's probably the most healthy thing for me right now. Who the freak wants to be in control ALL THE TIME!? Not me. It gets quite boring and old.
Change your frame of mind, which then alters everything else about you.
Great - did you see what I just did? Patience. Time. Space. Change.
I'm going to stop before I say anything else.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Almost Summer
More changes!!! My life just seems like it's full of so many changes right now, but positive changes I guess.
I'm once again single and am very proud of myself for making that decision. When it got down to it, it was a realtionship I started when I was my old self and it wasn't meshing well with my new self. I needed my heart to catch up with my brain - I think my whole body is on on the same page now.
Still loving work. And soccer. And life! I've actually boycotted tv. I erased all my 15+ timers on my PVR and all my tv shows, except for two series - So You Think You Can Dance and The Bachelorette. I will probably end up deleting both because I haven't turned my tv on for so long - I'm just not interested in it anymore. I'm more interested in reading and chatting with friends. No more hiding for moi.
I'm getting back in the swing of things camera and picture-wise. I love it again! I love getting out my camera and snapping things or looking at things that no one would look at something. Like the picture of a 60-something Camero I saw on the weekend...Nice car!
Here I'll show you:
Pretty - isn't it? Maybe I'll get to actually have a drive in it this summer! (It's Diane and Harvey's (old landlords) sons car - I went to their house for dinner on the weekend.)
So yes - I love pictures. I love my camera. I love experimenting with it - which is how people get better at it and Photography is definitely something I want to get better at.
The next little part I want to write about is a little more serious - serious in a good and bad way. I went and saw Dave this past weekend. (Shocking - I know! But really, not...)
I've missed him since we broke up and since I've left Barrie - it was really good to reconnect with him. We're both different people now. I can see that for sure! I mean - obviously two people who were engaged and then broke up aren't going to be the same - that's such a huge deal!
He has a beard. I laughed but then stopped when I realized it actually suits him. That guy can pull ANYTHING off. We're friends. And I'm very happy.
Happy Birthday D!! (It's Daniela's birthday - that's why I'm saying Happy Birthday) - We're going to a really fancy dancy place on Saturday - in a limo!! Pretty excited. It shall be a grand time!!!
Peace out homies! Love you all!!
xoxo
C to the h to the a to the n to the t to the e to the l.
I'm once again single and am very proud of myself for making that decision. When it got down to it, it was a realtionship I started when I was my old self and it wasn't meshing well with my new self. I needed my heart to catch up with my brain - I think my whole body is on on the same page now.
Still loving work. And soccer. And life! I've actually boycotted tv. I erased all my 15+ timers on my PVR and all my tv shows, except for two series - So You Think You Can Dance and The Bachelorette. I will probably end up deleting both because I haven't turned my tv on for so long - I'm just not interested in it anymore. I'm more interested in reading and chatting with friends. No more hiding for moi.
I'm getting back in the swing of things camera and picture-wise. I love it again! I love getting out my camera and snapping things or looking at things that no one would look at something. Like the picture of a 60-something Camero I saw on the weekend...Nice car!
Here I'll show you:
Pretty - isn't it? Maybe I'll get to actually have a drive in it this summer! (It's Diane and Harvey's (old landlords) sons car - I went to their house for dinner on the weekend.)
So yes - I love pictures. I love my camera. I love experimenting with it - which is how people get better at it and Photography is definitely something I want to get better at.
The next little part I want to write about is a little more serious - serious in a good and bad way. I went and saw Dave this past weekend. (Shocking - I know! But really, not...)
I've missed him since we broke up and since I've left Barrie - it was really good to reconnect with him. We're both different people now. I can see that for sure! I mean - obviously two people who were engaged and then broke up aren't going to be the same - that's such a huge deal!
He has a beard. I laughed but then stopped when I realized it actually suits him. That guy can pull ANYTHING off. We're friends. And I'm very happy.
Happy Birthday D!! (It's Daniela's birthday - that's why I'm saying Happy Birthday) - We're going to a really fancy dancy place on Saturday - in a limo!! Pretty excited. It shall be a grand time!!!
Peace out homies! Love you all!!
xoxo
C to the h to the a to the n to the t to the e to the l.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Still Smiling
Ah! It has been awhile since I've written an actual "blog" - sheesh! Time flies!
It has been a month since I've moved home and things couldn't really be any better. Feeling settled still and content - no complaints, really.
I'm working for a fabulous company right now (in the insurance industry) and I absolutely love it! I love the people I work with and I have a fantastic boss.
I'm coaching a soccer team this summer - boys under 6. They're so freakin' cute! We had opening day on Saturday and won 5-0 (not that the score matters or anything...) My little guys had SUCH a good time and so did I. I definitely got a lot of exercise as I was running up and down the field with them. They're so funny and cute. This one little boy kept running behind one of the nets and I had to chase after him like 5 times. His Dad got mad at him after though...whoops :) They're all cute and charming. And they're going to be quite the handful!
I've totally quit smoking and drinking and feeling good with myself. I have gained a bit of weight since the winter but everyone says I was way too skinny. I was looking at pictures of myself the other day- and I was WAY too skinny. I'd like to lose a little weight but other then that, I'm ok.
I went to the Spencer's cottage last weekend and got my camera out - I took some pretty good pictures (I think) and just had fun playing. I'm debating right now on whether I'll go back to school next winter. Before it was definitely a "no", but now I'm not so sure. I really love being behind my camera. And I think I'll always wonder if I could make a career out of it if I hadn't of tried...so, we shall see.
I believe I'm taking a friends wedding in July, so THAT should be fun!
My family is good and I'm getting along with everyone famously. I said to my Mom yesterday - "I thought when I moved home that we'd fight a lot, but we're really good. You've changed or something!" and she replied, "No, you've changed!" I guess I have. I'm growing up. That's always a good thing. This past year has been CRAZY but I think it's all for the better.
Do I miss Dave sometimes? Yes. But that's because it's still pretty new to me. Do I wish things had been different with school and staying in Barrie? Yes. I miss school. But Barrie wasn't a good place for me to be in. I needed to come home - this is where I can get and be healthy.
Georgia boy is doing well. He's travelling a lot and I kinda feel bad, but we're still talking everyday and it's good! I like being in a long distance relationship...This way I can't screw it up, well, too much anyways ;) (JOKING TOM!) Nah - he's a great guy. He got my Mom AND me flowers for Mother's Day - isn't that sweet? Awwww! And he sleeps with a teddy bear (Jackson)I gave him, every night - but he broke the bear (his stuffing apparently started falling out), so now I have to get him another one. But seriously - I can be totally honest with him, I guess it's easier because we don't have to see each other face to face, but I don't think I've ever been able to be totally honest in a relationship before. Tom is the best relationship for me right now. He's real. It's very good. And we're taking it slow...slooooooooooow :)
So yes! I think that's about it from me. Almost summer time ladies and gents! And it's going to be freakin' fantastic!
It has been a month since I've moved home and things couldn't really be any better. Feeling settled still and content - no complaints, really.
I'm working for a fabulous company right now (in the insurance industry) and I absolutely love it! I love the people I work with and I have a fantastic boss.
I'm coaching a soccer team this summer - boys under 6. They're so freakin' cute! We had opening day on Saturday and won 5-0 (not that the score matters or anything...) My little guys had SUCH a good time and so did I. I definitely got a lot of exercise as I was running up and down the field with them. They're so funny and cute. This one little boy kept running behind one of the nets and I had to chase after him like 5 times. His Dad got mad at him after though...whoops :) They're all cute and charming. And they're going to be quite the handful!
I've totally quit smoking and drinking and feeling good with myself. I have gained a bit of weight since the winter but everyone says I was way too skinny. I was looking at pictures of myself the other day- and I was WAY too skinny. I'd like to lose a little weight but other then that, I'm ok.
I went to the Spencer's cottage last weekend and got my camera out - I took some pretty good pictures (I think) and just had fun playing. I'm debating right now on whether I'll go back to school next winter. Before it was definitely a "no", but now I'm not so sure. I really love being behind my camera. And I think I'll always wonder if I could make a career out of it if I hadn't of tried...so, we shall see.
I believe I'm taking a friends wedding in July, so THAT should be fun!
My family is good and I'm getting along with everyone famously. I said to my Mom yesterday - "I thought when I moved home that we'd fight a lot, but we're really good. You've changed or something!" and she replied, "No, you've changed!" I guess I have. I'm growing up. That's always a good thing. This past year has been CRAZY but I think it's all for the better.
Do I miss Dave sometimes? Yes. But that's because it's still pretty new to me. Do I wish things had been different with school and staying in Barrie? Yes. I miss school. But Barrie wasn't a good place for me to be in. I needed to come home - this is where I can get and be healthy.
Georgia boy is doing well. He's travelling a lot and I kinda feel bad, but we're still talking everyday and it's good! I like being in a long distance relationship...This way I can't screw it up, well, too much anyways ;) (JOKING TOM!) Nah - he's a great guy. He got my Mom AND me flowers for Mother's Day - isn't that sweet? Awwww! And he sleeps with a teddy bear (Jackson)I gave him, every night - but he broke the bear (his stuffing apparently started falling out), so now I have to get him another one. But seriously - I can be totally honest with him, I guess it's easier because we don't have to see each other face to face, but I don't think I've ever been able to be totally honest in a relationship before. Tom is the best relationship for me right now. He's real. It's very good. And we're taking it slow...slooooooooooow :)
So yes! I think that's about it from me. Almost summer time ladies and gents! And it's going to be freakin' fantastic!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Not 1, Not 2, BUT 3 flights later...I made it to Jacksonville :)
Hello all....
Sooooooooooo! I'm in Jacksonville and it's awesome. I woke up this morning kind of half forgetting where I was...I'm in Florida! Duh!
Let me tell you how eventful yesterday was though!!!
So - my flight was to Cincinnati and then from Cincinatti to Jacksonville...It didn't really work out like that.
Every airplane I got on yesterday was late. It was like they all wanted to make me wait longer to get here!!! When I got to Cincinatti I had to go to the 'C' concourse and that was a bus ride (I also had to take a bus to 'A' back in Toronto)...So I went to 'C' and waited a few minutes and then realized that I hadn't gotten a seat yet...Ha! My flight was overbooked! Of course!!! And with me not even having a seat I decided that I would be a 'volunteer' (not that they were going to give me much of a choice anyway!) to find another flight to Jacksonville. My luggage was going from Cincinatti to Jacksonville...But I wasn't. They eventually found me a flight from Cincinatti to Philidelphia to Jacksonville. So I went on a bit of a USA tour yesterday (I also bought a book on the USA because I realized - I don't know a hell of a lot about it).
Delta was very nice though with changing my flight. They tried to make it as painless as possible - I got a credit with Delta and some food money. And I got to stop in Philly - not that I did much there anyway.
I felt like I walked forever yesterday. It seemed that my gates were very far from where I actually was when I started looking for the gate. Awesome!
Anyways - I finally did get on my flight from Philly to Jacksonville - and then had to wait an extra 30 minutes to actually take off.
Then - what I'd been waiting for ALL day. My plane officially landed in Jacksonville. So excited!
I had a nice little surprise when I got to the airport (actually - when I was walking out of the bathroom - scared the SHIT out of me. But it was a good surprise!)
Then we were on our way. It was warm last night - Tom said it was a little chilly and I looked at him like a freak - it was warm for a Canadian!!! Jeez!
So yes - that was my yesterday and now I'm going to go enjoy the sun!
Love y'all!
xoxo
C
Sooooooooooo! I'm in Jacksonville and it's awesome. I woke up this morning kind of half forgetting where I was...I'm in Florida! Duh!
Let me tell you how eventful yesterday was though!!!
So - my flight was to Cincinnati and then from Cincinatti to Jacksonville...It didn't really work out like that.
Every airplane I got on yesterday was late. It was like they all wanted to make me wait longer to get here!!! When I got to Cincinatti I had to go to the 'C' concourse and that was a bus ride (I also had to take a bus to 'A' back in Toronto)...So I went to 'C' and waited a few minutes and then realized that I hadn't gotten a seat yet...Ha! My flight was overbooked! Of course!!! And with me not even having a seat I decided that I would be a 'volunteer' (not that they were going to give me much of a choice anyway!) to find another flight to Jacksonville. My luggage was going from Cincinatti to Jacksonville...But I wasn't. They eventually found me a flight from Cincinatti to Philidelphia to Jacksonville. So I went on a bit of a USA tour yesterday (I also bought a book on the USA because I realized - I don't know a hell of a lot about it).
Delta was very nice though with changing my flight. They tried to make it as painless as possible - I got a credit with Delta and some food money. And I got to stop in Philly - not that I did much there anyway.
I felt like I walked forever yesterday. It seemed that my gates were very far from where I actually was when I started looking for the gate. Awesome!
Anyways - I finally did get on my flight from Philly to Jacksonville - and then had to wait an extra 30 minutes to actually take off.
Then - what I'd been waiting for ALL day. My plane officially landed in Jacksonville. So excited!
I had a nice little surprise when I got to the airport (actually - when I was walking out of the bathroom - scared the SHIT out of me. But it was a good surprise!)
Then we were on our way. It was warm last night - Tom said it was a little chilly and I looked at him like a freak - it was warm for a Canadian!!! Jeez!
So yes - that was my yesterday and now I'm going to go enjoy the sun!
Love y'all!
xoxo
C
Monday, April 28, 2008
I'm going to Jacksonville!
2 more sleeps! Then off to Florida! And the weather is supposed to be fantastic! So, so, SOOOO excited!
My "apartment" is coming along. Almost got everything unpacked - Big thanks to Kel and D who did a HUGE part of the throwing out and organization! I really like being back home in the basement - it's comforting. It's home :)
I'm feeling really good right now. This is the most real, normal, happiest I've been in a long, long time - if ever. I think people are finally seeing the real me. I like the real me. It's amazing. I'm starting to feel whole. I know it'll always been an uphill battle for me, but I think my head's on fairly straight now. It's only taken 22 years.
This is so new for me...I know for most people living life is just average and normal and fine and ok and good and bad - I get that now. I feel it. It's not just depressing and sad and irrational and impulsive. I'm going to make good choices. I'm going to make healthy, positive choices. And I'm learning to forgive myself and LOVE myself because I know I can do this and I WANT to do this. I want to show everyone that I can be an accomplished and successful person. Whatever I do and wherever I go.
My smile can brighten the world. I know this. I can help and be helped. I'm starting to trust and be trusted. I can love and be loved.
Now - I know for some of you, you're saying "But we've heard this before, haven't we?"...
I honestly don't think you have. I'm being so real and genuine - it's almost unrealistic for me. Ironic? This new person is great. She's level headed, not rushing (or trying not to) - I'm being myself which is very interesting. I get to learn all of the wonderful great things about myself. And I'll keep learning until the day I die. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to see what I can do for this world and what this world can do for me.
I'm officially proud of myself. Proud of myself for not giving up and proud of myself for coming this far. I know I still have a ways to go, but that's fine. I'm in no rush. I want to take in and experience everything I can. I want to stop and "smell the roses".
Normal, Chantel... :) I'm so smiling!
My "apartment" is coming along. Almost got everything unpacked - Big thanks to Kel and D who did a HUGE part of the throwing out and organization! I really like being back home in the basement - it's comforting. It's home :)
I'm feeling really good right now. This is the most real, normal, happiest I've been in a long, long time - if ever. I think people are finally seeing the real me. I like the real me. It's amazing. I'm starting to feel whole. I know it'll always been an uphill battle for me, but I think my head's on fairly straight now. It's only taken 22 years.
This is so new for me...I know for most people living life is just average and normal and fine and ok and good and bad - I get that now. I feel it. It's not just depressing and sad and irrational and impulsive. I'm going to make good choices. I'm going to make healthy, positive choices. And I'm learning to forgive myself and LOVE myself because I know I can do this and I WANT to do this. I want to show everyone that I can be an accomplished and successful person. Whatever I do and wherever I go.
My smile can brighten the world. I know this. I can help and be helped. I'm starting to trust and be trusted. I can love and be loved.
Now - I know for some of you, you're saying "But we've heard this before, haven't we?"...
I honestly don't think you have. I'm being so real and genuine - it's almost unrealistic for me. Ironic? This new person is great. She's level headed, not rushing (or trying not to) - I'm being myself which is very interesting. I get to learn all of the wonderful great things about myself. And I'll keep learning until the day I die. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to see what I can do for this world and what this world can do for me.
I'm officially proud of myself. Proud of myself for not giving up and proud of myself for coming this far. I know I still have a ways to go, but that's fine. I'm in no rush. I want to take in and experience everything I can. I want to stop and "smell the roses".
Normal, Chantel... :) I'm so smiling!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Blogging on Moving Day
Ah! Feels just like yesterday I was moving to Barrie, and now I'm moving home - mixed emotions but more happy than sad. I'll miss it here, but there's nothing keeping me here so moving home is the best option for me right now. All of you close to me know it, and I know it.
Thanks for all your support these past 8 months...I got through it!!!
I don't know why I haven't "blogged" in a while. Weird. I apologize, I'll get on it! Lots to say!
So! I'm moving home today after I have an interview and hopefully both will go well. Will and his business partner Jamie are moving me home. My Mom rented a moving truck to fit ALL my stuff in it...and I do have a lot of stuff. Sheesh!
My TV is being hooked up tomorrow and my phone (yes, I'm still going to have my own line) is going to be hooked up on Monday. Tuesday I'm getting my hair done and I'm packing...packing for what you might ask?! So excited!! I'm going to Jacksonville!!! WooHoo!!! Can't wait!!! Going to visit Tom aka. Georgia Boy. He's going to be on business there so I've decided to hop on a plane and take a mini vacation before my life gets all hectic again. I'm there from the 30th to the 6th. Yeah!!
I've been seeing Matteo again (because I hadn't seen him in a couple months) and things are going well thus far. I've missed him and missed talking to him. Can't believe it's going to be 3 years in August! So happy I have him in my life. He's great and he's very healthy for me!
Oh! For those of you who haven't driven by Wonderland in a while it looks super cool right now. I believe the new coaster is all finished (I'm sure it has been finished for a while) and as I was driving home from Matteo last night, some of the coasters and such were lit up! Getting to that time of year again!
I also went to a Jay's game last Sunday (my first of the season) and it rocked. They won, always good, but it was just cool to be there! The Skydome is still very much a cool place to be. I love Toronto.
Want to make a shout out to my boys Tom W and Ryan C who are heading on a road trip across Canada next week. Please go check them out if you have not already - www.tgft.ca - Two Guys From Toronto. I'm actually on the home page sporting one of their cool sweaters. I also have a few other items of their clothing line. Have a blast gentlemen!
And also to Simon H - who has disappearing for a few months into the wild :) I know he won't be able to read this, but, I'm sure he knows that I'm thinking about him!
Until next time...Peace!
xoxo
C
Thanks for all your support these past 8 months...I got through it!!!
I don't know why I haven't "blogged" in a while. Weird. I apologize, I'll get on it! Lots to say!
So! I'm moving home today after I have an interview and hopefully both will go well. Will and his business partner Jamie are moving me home. My Mom rented a moving truck to fit ALL my stuff in it...and I do have a lot of stuff. Sheesh!
My TV is being hooked up tomorrow and my phone (yes, I'm still going to have my own line) is going to be hooked up on Monday. Tuesday I'm getting my hair done and I'm packing...packing for what you might ask?! So excited!! I'm going to Jacksonville!!! WooHoo!!! Can't wait!!! Going to visit Tom aka. Georgia Boy. He's going to be on business there so I've decided to hop on a plane and take a mini vacation before my life gets all hectic again. I'm there from the 30th to the 6th. Yeah!!
I've been seeing Matteo again (because I hadn't seen him in a couple months) and things are going well thus far. I've missed him and missed talking to him. Can't believe it's going to be 3 years in August! So happy I have him in my life. He's great and he's very healthy for me!
Oh! For those of you who haven't driven by Wonderland in a while it looks super cool right now. I believe the new coaster is all finished (I'm sure it has been finished for a while) and as I was driving home from Matteo last night, some of the coasters and such were lit up! Getting to that time of year again!
I also went to a Jay's game last Sunday (my first of the season) and it rocked. They won, always good, but it was just cool to be there! The Skydome is still very much a cool place to be. I love Toronto.
Want to make a shout out to my boys Tom W and Ryan C who are heading on a road trip across Canada next week. Please go check them out if you have not already - www.tgft.ca - Two Guys From Toronto. I'm actually on the home page sporting one of their cool sweaters. I also have a few other items of their clothing line. Have a blast gentlemen!
And also to Simon H - who has disappearing for a few months into the wild :) I know he won't be able to read this, but, I'm sure he knows that I'm thinking about him!
Until next time...Peace!
xoxo
C
Monday, April 14, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
About Chantel
(Just looking at my previous post - Weird. And a bit ironic). I got home last night. It feels good to be home. I've missed my bed. I've missed a lot...I miss life. And that's a good thing! Because I have something to live for now...me. Isn't that exciting?! Me! I want to live for me. I don't think I've ever said that statement out loud, or maybe I have, just not in those words...
For those of you who don't know I did something really stupid last Monday night (aka. early Tuesday morning) - something that could have really hurt me. Indefinitely. I sincerely apologize to everyone I've hurt and everyone who has been worried about me. I know I can be exhausting, mentally and emotionally, but please know I love you all and have never wanted to intentionally hurt you. Me, yes, but not you. I know it can be hard to put up with me, but I have to put up with myself every single day...It's exhausting and tiring and draining. But I don't want to be tired of myself anymore. I don't, honestly! I'm so sick of this! And I bet you all are too.
Thank you for "putting up" with me. It's been a long road and I know I still have a long way to go and I know I've said this many times, but I truely want to help myself now. No more hurting, no more hospital. Ugh! It's not worth it. It's not.
I kept thinking about Craig while I was there. Kept thinking about how he loved life and wanted to live it and that I would do anything to trade places with him. I know that's an awful way to think and feel and probably to read, but it's true. My dear friend who died so tragically and who is missed by all - I wanted to give him back his life because I didn't think mine was worth living anymore, I thought it was over. I'm sick of hurting myself and other people. But then I thought "What would Craig think about me being in the hospital - again!?" - He wouldn't have liked it. Not one bit. He would have been worried and sad - just like most people were/still are. And that made me feel even worse. I miss Craig - lots and tons and I think about him everyday - he would want me to be happy and excited about this life - I only get one. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Life is waiting for me. I know this. What have I been waiting for?
After 9+ years of dealing with this crap, after all the medication, all the doctors, therapy, talking, losing friends and family and 5 hospital visits - I'm done. I don't want to live this way anymore!
I want to be happy and excited. I want to love myself. I want and NEED to find myself. I need to find who this real Chantel is and meet her and introduce myself to her. I'd like to get to know her. Wouldn't you? Because no one really knows the REAL Chantel. How can they, when I don't even know myself?
Oh jeez - I'm so insightful aren't I? And I still have to put up with my shit? I've been so pathetic. Like one of the nurses told me, "You're awfully young to be so messed up" (or something like that). It's true though. 100% true. I've brought most of this "mess" on myself. My destructive behaviours and habits. It better be done. But only I can control that.
There's one person that I miss a lot because of what I've done. David said a final "goodbye" to me in the hospital. Good for him. I'm proud of him. He needs to let me go. He needs to move on. And I have to let him. Harvey and Diane (the people I live with) had me over for dinner tonight and I cried just thinking about him and talking about him. I said to them, "I didn't realize how much being engaged meant to me, until it was over".
Trust, Honesty, Communication, Love and Commitment. I'm so scared of those things.
If I'm ever lucky enough to be able to have a relationship with someone like Dave, I will be so lucky. He's a great man. I was his princess. Unfortuntely I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I love him, but I guess it's not enough. I KNOW it's not enough. I want Dave to have the greatest, happiest life in the world. He deserves that. He so deserves that. (Especially after spending almost a year and half with me!) I sincerely wish him all the best. With all my heart.
I guess I'm not going anywhere. There's a reason I'm still here. It's not my time yet. It's not. And I'm so excited.
For those of you who don't know I did something really stupid last Monday night (aka. early Tuesday morning) - something that could have really hurt me. Indefinitely. I sincerely apologize to everyone I've hurt and everyone who has been worried about me. I know I can be exhausting, mentally and emotionally, but please know I love you all and have never wanted to intentionally hurt you. Me, yes, but not you. I know it can be hard to put up with me, but I have to put up with myself every single day...It's exhausting and tiring and draining. But I don't want to be tired of myself anymore. I don't, honestly! I'm so sick of this! And I bet you all are too.
Thank you for "putting up" with me. It's been a long road and I know I still have a long way to go and I know I've said this many times, but I truely want to help myself now. No more hurting, no more hospital. Ugh! It's not worth it. It's not.
I kept thinking about Craig while I was there. Kept thinking about how he loved life and wanted to live it and that I would do anything to trade places with him. I know that's an awful way to think and feel and probably to read, but it's true. My dear friend who died so tragically and who is missed by all - I wanted to give him back his life because I didn't think mine was worth living anymore, I thought it was over. I'm sick of hurting myself and other people. But then I thought "What would Craig think about me being in the hospital - again!?" - He wouldn't have liked it. Not one bit. He would have been worried and sad - just like most people were/still are. And that made me feel even worse. I miss Craig - lots and tons and I think about him everyday - he would want me to be happy and excited about this life - I only get one. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Life is waiting for me. I know this. What have I been waiting for?
After 9+ years of dealing with this crap, after all the medication, all the doctors, therapy, talking, losing friends and family and 5 hospital visits - I'm done. I don't want to live this way anymore!
I want to be happy and excited. I want to love myself. I want and NEED to find myself. I need to find who this real Chantel is and meet her and introduce myself to her. I'd like to get to know her. Wouldn't you? Because no one really knows the REAL Chantel. How can they, when I don't even know myself?
Oh jeez - I'm so insightful aren't I? And I still have to put up with my shit? I've been so pathetic. Like one of the nurses told me, "You're awfully young to be so messed up" (or something like that). It's true though. 100% true. I've brought most of this "mess" on myself. My destructive behaviours and habits. It better be done. But only I can control that.
There's one person that I miss a lot because of what I've done. David said a final "goodbye" to me in the hospital. Good for him. I'm proud of him. He needs to let me go. He needs to move on. And I have to let him. Harvey and Diane (the people I live with) had me over for dinner tonight and I cried just thinking about him and talking about him. I said to them, "I didn't realize how much being engaged meant to me, until it was over".
Trust, Honesty, Communication, Love and Commitment. I'm so scared of those things.
If I'm ever lucky enough to be able to have a relationship with someone like Dave, I will be so lucky. He's a great man. I was his princess. Unfortuntely I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I love him, but I guess it's not enough. I KNOW it's not enough. I want Dave to have the greatest, happiest life in the world. He deserves that. He so deserves that. (Especially after spending almost a year and half with me!) I sincerely wish him all the best. With all my heart.
I guess I'm not going anywhere. There's a reason I'm still here. It's not my time yet. It's not. And I'm so excited.
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